


The Maryam-Lalonde Field Guide To Practical Xenobiology

by kapbird



Category: Homestuck
Genre: College AU, Dubious Xenobiology, F/F, Science Fiction, Space Whales, Venus Fly Traps
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-13
Updated: 2015-01-13
Packaged: 2018-03-07 09:15:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3169499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kapbird/pseuds/kapbird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"GA: There Arent Any Ruins On A Gas Giant"</p>
<p>Kanaya Maryam goes to college. It's not what you think.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Maryam-Lalonde Field Guide To Practical Xenobiology

**Author's Note:**

  * For [seagreen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/seagreen/gifts).



> while writing this i learned that AO3's html is case-sensitive.

“Well,” you say. “This is very definitely a college.”

The mutant Venus Flytrap you’re towing snaps its jaws at the shuttle’s support strut, and you smack it with the back of your hand. Thankfully, no one else is currently at the landing pad right now. Such are the benefits of an early arrival, you suppose.

Herschel Station hangs above Jupiter’s Great Red Spot, floating in geosynchronous orbit above a storm that could swallow three Earths. Originally a basic research facility for studying the storm, Herschel began its conversion to a university after it was bought out by Skaianet. Now it contains 700 square kilometers of the most advanced technology in the solar system, spanning across every field from xenoarchaeology to quantum biology to circuit arcana. Lovelace University is very nearly a holy city for aspiring scientists; its professors and students both enjoy top funding for research, and Herschel City is lively and prosperous besides.

You think maybe you spent a little too much time reading the brochure.

Your plant snaps again, and you stroke its lower jaw. “Shoosh,” you say. “I’ll feed you soon, Virginia.” You consult your map again, find the appropriate exit, and set off.

Thirty minutes later, lost in a horrifying tangle of corridors and having dealt with at least three attempts by Virginia to eat your fellows, you surrender your pride and admit that you are, in fact, lost.

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

GA: I Was Told To Contact You If I Need Help  
GA: And Here I Am Needing Help  
GA: Your Maps Dont Make Sense  
TT: Certainly.  
TT: Where are you right now?  
GA: Im Supposed To Be In The Gardens  
GA: But Instead Im Near The  
GA: Theater?  
GA: The Bass For Whatever Music Theyre Playing Is Really Strong  
TT: Ok, well, you should leave that area immediately.  
GA: Why  
TT: In about ten minutes, reanimated, horribly artifacted skeletons are going to start pouring out of the theater.  
TT: That’s probably not healthy for your Dionaea dolorosa.  
GA: Her Name Is Virginia  
GA: Why Would Skeletons Be In Your Theater  
TT: Dave Strider and Aradia Megido are “running experiments in the field of counter-reanimation.”  
GA: Wait  
GA: Dave Strider Like The Inventor Of Artifacting Dave Strider  
GA: Aradia Megido Like The Pioneer Of Psionic Archaeology  
GA: How Did Lovelace Hire Dave Strider And Aradia Megido  
TT: Skaianet is extraordinarily rich.  
TT: Jade English is in turn extraordinarily rich.  
GA: But Its Aradia Megido  
GA: How Do You Convince A Psionoarchaeologist To Leave The Field For A Space Station Orbiting A Gas Giant  
GA: There Arent Any Ruins On A Gas Giant  
TT: I’m not sure you fully understand just how rich Jade English is.  
TT: Intro to Archaeology takes a field trip out to a different dig site each year.  
TT: I think they’re planning to go to Mercury next.  
GA: I Think I Have The Emote For This  
GA: 0_0  
TT: That seems appropriate.  
TT: How are you doing with the skeletons?  
GA: Ive Successfully Dealt With Them

You reach underneath the rib cage of one the last skeletons and rip out its spine, frowning as Virginia eats another. That can’t be healthy. You resolve to check her out once you have access to the proper facilities.

TT: Ok, find the astronomy department and head sunwards from there.  
TT: The gardens are on the far side of the station.  
TT: Is there anything else you need?  
GA: Is There Anyone Else Famous Who Works Here  
GA: So I Can Be Surprised Now Instead Of Later  
TT: Well, Jade English and her brother aside, we have Terezi Pyrope in law, Sollux Captor in computer science and insect computation, Nepeta Leijon in frontier survival and field science, and Equius Zahhak in robotics.  
GA: Is Everyone At This School A Scientific Celebrity  
TT: We’re working on it.  
TT: Feferi Peixes drops by to guest lecture fairly regularly.  
GA: How Do You Even Respond To That Fact  
TT: The power of capitalism is strong in Jade English.  
TT: You’ll like the gardens, I think.

You hang a left just as you receive her latest message, and a sprawling field lays itself before you, too big to see to the end off and filled with rows and rows of exotic plants you’ve only seen in holograms or handled for seconds at most.

GA: Okay  
GA: Wow  
GA: Im Officially Excited To Be Here  
TT: Welcome to Herschel Station, Professor Maryam.

*

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

GA: Are You Sure I Cant Let Virginia Eat The Students  
TT: Yes.  
TT: Even if they don’t follow safety procedures.  
TT: Wouldn’t that be unhealthy for Virginia, anyway?  
GA: Id Pull The Bones Out Before She Tried To Digest Them  
GA: You Would Think The Med Students Would Know Better At Least  
GA: But No They Are Just As Bad  
GA: Nobody Respects Plants Except Botanists And Biochemists  
TT: For what it’s worth, you’ll be able to pass this class off by next year.  
TT: When the program expands, you’ll have seniority.  
TT: There is light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how bleak it seems.  
GA: Oh Good  
GA: I Was Ready To Pack Up And Leave In A Huff  
TT: I hope you don’t have a shuttle ready.  
GA: Of Course Not  
GA: I Was Just Going To Disconnect The Gardens  
GA: And Float Back To Earth  
GA: I Would Abandon This Station To Its Doom  
GA: And Condemn You All To The Great Red Spot  
TT: Leaving us all to be crushed by the hubris of our station’s construction.  
TT: A hubris matched only by our disrespect for your plants.  
TT: You are a bold and merciless woman, Kanaya Maryam.  
GA: I Feel Like I Should Clarify Im Joking  
GA: Im Not Actually Going To Kill Anybody  
TT: I keep telling you, you don’t have to do that.  
TT: Give me some credit.  
GA: Sorry  
GA: Im Not That Good With Sarcasm And That Kind Of Humor  
GA: I Can Never Be Sure Exactly How Far To Go  
TT: With me, as far as possible.  
TT: Go all the way with me.  
GA: I Mean Its Not Like I Havent Figured Out How To Pull It Off

You blink as you reread Rose’s last message, and then chide yourself. She didn't mean it like that.

TT: That’s actually beautiful.  
TT: I don’t suppose you could tell me how you’d do it?  
GA: The Weaknesses Are In The Atmosphere Scrubbers They Have To Keep Pollen Out Of The Rest Of The Station  
GA: I Think Theyre In All The Airlocks Actually  
TT: I’ll keep that in mind.  
GA: Hows Your Daughter Doing  
TT: She’s not actually my daughter.  
GA: How Are You Related Then  
GA: Nobody Ever Tells Me When I Ask  
TT: It’s complicated.  
GA: John Said That About Jane Too  
TT: She’s his granddaughter.  
TT: I think.  
TT: That’s also very complicated.  
TT: Anyway, she hasn’t broken the website again.  
TT: Hopefully she’s not getting into too much trouble.  
TT: I wish Sollux would stop making bets with her, though.  
GA: He Gets Weirdly Smug About His Computer Abilities  
GA: Im Not Sure Hes Capable Of Stopping  
TT: Well, hopefully their next bet won’t involve any of my projects.  
GA: I Think Theyre Planning To Tone It Down For A While  
GA: He Was Talking About The Spot Affecting His Experiments  
TT: There’s going to be an uptick soon, yes.  
TT: I suppose that gives me some time to make sure they’ll stay away from my stuff.  
GA: Ill Let You Threaten To Feed Them To Virginia  
TT: Really?  
GA: Yes Really  
TT: That’s perfect.  
TT: I think I could kiss you right now.

You sit back in your chair, staring at that line, and hoping your next move works. You actually get up and pace around your room twice before you sit back down.

Then you inhale deeply and set your hands to the keyboard again.

GA: On A Related Note  
GA: Are You Free Tonight  
GA: I Was Thinking We Could Go Somewhere  
TT: Are you asking me on a date?  
GA: Well  
GA: Yes  
TT: Gladly, then.  
GA: Okay Good  
GA: I Will Come Find You In A Few Hours  
TT: So, does this mean I actually get to kiss you?

You close your laptop. You’re going to pretend you logged off too quickly to see that.

*

“I've come here before,” Rose says, turning this way and that, “but I haven’t stopped to properly appreciate the work you do.”

The gardens look especially nice during the night. Jupiter nights, of course, last only a few hours, but this one happened to synchronize with the twenty-four hour day’s night, and you took your shot. The starlight shimmers over the plants, which twitch and rustle in the artificial breeze, and the comforting embrace of space envelops the garden through the glass. Rose is doubly radiant for the surrounding darkness, pale hair and orange fabric over dark skin, and you smile.

“Virginia’s offspring look especially nice at this time of night,” you say. “Do you want to see them?”

“Lead on,” Rose says, inclining her head. You navigate your way past an experimental breed of mutant bamboo and past Virginia herself to the subsequent generation. It’s at least twenty plants in a narrow hallway offset from the main garden. You bring her to the farthest row, closest to the starlight.

“These are Kali and Durga,” you say, pointing them out. “They like having their lower jaws stroked.”

Rose reaches out in fascination, ready to put her hand to Kali’s leaves, and then in a single motion Kali snaps and suddenly the arm of your fellow professor is encased in foliage.

“That’s not supposed to happen,” you say dumbly, as Rose tugs at her arm.

“Kanaya,” she says. “I think I’m in a predicament.”

“Yes,” you agree, and punch Kali in the stalk just below her jaw. She snaps at you as a defense mechanism, letting go of Rose’s arm. You duck the flytrap’s attempt to eat you, and look towards your date. Rose is flushed, but her arm seems mostly intact (if a little slimy) and she’s — looking past you?

You turn, and realize what stole her attention. Kali must have released pheromones — the entire batch of Dolorosas is slowly rising to attention, all snapping jaws and rustling leaves and very little in the way of exits.

“And me without my quills,” Rose says dryly. You wordlessly pull your lipstick from a pocket and allow it to transmute into a chainsaw.

“Stay close to me,” you order, inhaling deeply. “On three.”

“On three,” she agrees.

“Three,” you say, and Rose stumbles forward into a sprint alongside you. The buzz of your chainsaw keeping the flytraps’ jaws from getting too close, and the far side closes in with each passing second. You close in on the exit back into the main gardens, and you think you might make it.

And then all of a sudden Rose is no longer next to you.

You whirl, and take in the sight: your date, suspended six feet in the air, leg trapped inside Lakshmi's jaws, and flailing awkwardly in an attempt to strike her captor.

“Kanaya!” Rose says cheerfully. “I’d appreciate your help.”

You blink in surprise, and then smash the engine of your chainsaw into the base of the plant. Lakshmi recoils, shrinking back down and lowering Rose, and you saw the plant’s jaw in half, cutting around Rose’s leg and letting the two halves flop to the ground around her. You grab her and pull her up, and you stumble the last three feet to the exit.

You burst into the main gardens and collapse onto the ground, breathless and exhilarated. Rose flops on the ground next to you, and you roll onto your back to give her some space. You spend nearly a minute trying to catch your breath.

“Like I said,” you say finally, “that wasn't supposed to happen.” She turns her head to you, and you shrug awkwardly. “I’m sorry.”

“I actually kind of enjoyed it,” Rose says, as cheerful as a minute ago when her leg was being eaten. “I’ve always liked this kind of thing.”

“You like danger,” you say dumbly, lacking any better response. Rose crawls up onto you, placing a hand on your cheek.

“I like _you_ ,” she says, “a great deal,” and then she’s kissing you and it’s infinitely better than your embarrassingly numerous fantasies.

*

“You are as lovely as a fresh-beating heart,” Rose says, “pumping divine ichor as it spasms upon the ground. I am but a crush’d powder of bone to your dead majesty.”

“What,” you say. You make a point of saying it and not asking it.

The pair of you are in her apartment, you reading through new research and her decoding a new set of runes. You sit in one of her chairs while she sprawls over her bed, shuffling papers and stone tablets and occasionally tapping at her computer.

“It’s a love poem based on the language of an extrasolar civilization,” Rose says. “I thought it was romantic.” She frowns. “Maybe it loses something in translation.”

“It very definitely does that,” you agree. “That was a very morbid civilization.”

“To say the least,” Rose agrees, smiling. “I’m rather fond of them.”

Apparently the look on your face convinces Rose to explain, because she reaches for a tablet and passes it to you. Inscribed upon it is the image of a creature that looks the result of an octopus genome and a night off too much alcohol. You’re pretty sure those tentacles don’t make anatomical sense.

“I don’t know what it’s called,” Rose says, “but they could summon creatures like this when they needed. I’m trying to replicate the process.”

“I don’t suppose you could choose one that’s less—” you cast about for a word, and find nothing. “—ugly?”

“They’re all ugly, unfortunately,” Rose says. “I think it lends them a certain charm, though admittedly this one’s worse than the others.” She grimaces. “It’s the easiest to summon, though, and the least risky.”

“I definitely appreciate you taking less risk,” you say.

“Such are the trials I undergo for our relationship,” Rose agrees. “Next I’ll have to give up decoding runes in poor light. Who knew having a girlfriend would entail so much responsibility?”

“You’re a professor,” you point out, and Rose waves a hand dismissively.

“You only need _look_ responsible to be a professor. Now I actually have to put in effort.” She looks over her runes one last time. “I’m going to try summoning a small one.”

You turn to watch, as Rose raises her hands and whispers a few words in a language which tears at spacetime. Shadows leak through the void, coalescing, until a tiny eldritch horror lies upon the floor.

It looks almost like a cuttlefish, if a cuttlefish has far too many eyes and more beaks than would be practical. You cast about for a comment and settle for “It’s...cute?”

“Isn’t it?” Rose smiles gently as she moves to cup it in her hands, but the instant she touches it, it wavers. She frowns, and touches it again, and it wavers more this time, shadows leaking off it until it blinks out.

“Was that supposed to happen?” you ask. Rose nods.

“I expected it, actually.” She stands up and begins to collect the tablets. “Without a great need, it’s difficult to maintain them. I suppose ‘an old lesbian couple needs a pet’ was insufficient reason to anchor it here.”

“We’re not that old,” you say defensively. “Also, we don’t even live together.”

Rose shrugs. “I like to plan ahead.”

“Well,” you offer. “There’s always the Dolorosas.”

Rose’s expression convinces you that perhaps she and your plants should be reintroduced on better terms.

*

“Kanaya, dear,” Rose puts in. “I know I said I liked danger, but I feel I should clarify: only the first time.”

“This isn’t going to be dangerous,” you say firmly. “I found that student who was secretly feeding them bones and I made it very clear to him that he should stop.”

“They’re enormous predatory plants,” she says. “They’re always dangerous.”

There’s a flash as a lightning bolt strikes a rod outside the station, and you can hear the crackle as the systems respond. “Someone has to feed and water them,” you say. “The automated systems are down. You can go back to your project if you don’t want to help me.”

“My project, unfortunately, is done.” Rose sighs theatrically. “It made an excellent excuse not to do any other work for the past few days, but I think I’m pushing the limits of procrastination. Besides, I helped you with the rest of the gardens; I may as well finish the job.” There’s another flash, and she blinks rapidly, trying to return her vision to normal. “I hate storms.”

You hang a left at the apple orchard (modified to reach maturity in a few seconds instead of several long years) and pass through the hallway to Virginia’s children. Rose brought her quills this time, and they hang at her waist, glowing, and her hands return to them as you move through the room.

“You remember these two,” you begin. Rose snorts.

“I’d rather not,” she says. “Kali and Durga, who like being stroked under their jaws.”

“Exactly,” you agree, and draw your hand across Kali. Her leaves rustle as she bends down, and you begin to pet her. Kali can’t make sounds, not really, but you can tell when she’s happy. Her leaves twitch upwards, her stem relaxes, and her jaw tightens. She sags in towards your touch, and you chuckle.

“You try,” you invite. Rose looks enormously skeptical, but you offer her your hand, and she takes it. You guide her to yours, and she strokes along the leaf where yours did. Her motions are slower than yours, but Kali shudders into her touch anyway, stem drooping until her jaw nearly touches the ground. Rose sits slowly, matching the plant’s descent, guiding it into her lap.

They sit like that for a while, until Rose finally breaks the silence.

“This is lovely,” she says, smiling up at you. “More so than I’d given you credit for.”

“This is how I got my research position,” you admit. “Investigating the chemical nature of this kind of symbiosis. It has less to do with the enormous size of the plants than you might think. They only need to be big so there’s enough pheromone to have detect.”

Rose raises an eyebrow. “Does this mean I’m being drugged right now?”

“It’s no different than interacting with a person,” you say, and sit down next to her.. “A person you like, of course. The pheromones are the same.”

“I very much doubt that,” Rose says, snaking an arm behind your head. “It’s not Kali I want to kiss right now.”

You lean in and oblige her, pressing your lips against hers. You stay like that for a while, until the sprinklers come back on, drenching you both. Rose sputters against your lips, laughing, as Kali rises out of her lap.

“Sollux must have fixed the automated systems,” you say, standing.

“He said he would,” Rose says, still laughing. “I should have seen this coming, I suppose.”

“Come on,” you say, reaching a hand down to her. “We should probably go shower.”

“Ooh, Miss Maryam,” Rose says, wiggling her eyebrows as she takes your arm. “Inviting me to your shower already?”

Your cheeks flush as you make for the exit.

*

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] \--

TT: Where are you?  
GA: In My Room  
GA: Why  
TT: Do you not hear the emergency alarms?  
GA: Wait  
GA: Is This One Real  
TT: Yes!  
TT: I realize that might be hard to believe, but both Crockers are off-station right now, so neither of them can have taken over the PA.  
GA: Okay Well Im Not In My Room Anymore  
GA: Ill Meet You At The Edge Of The Apartments Okay  
TT: No, that’s a bad idea.  
TT: Can you meet me in rune storage?  
GA: Yes  
GA: Ill Be There Soon

Thankfully, you’ve always been adept at sprinting in dresses, and you make it there fairly quickly. Rose nods when she sees you.

“Hi,” you say. “What’s actually going on?”

“It’s a space whale. I didn’t name the species,” she adds, seeing your look. “It can’t detect the station, and it’s on course for the one of the residential districts. That’s why they’re sounding the evacuation for that section.”

An enormous rumble shudders throughout the station, and the sound of screeching metal hits your ears. You wince and grab the table to stabilize yourself.

“It’s struck the apartments,” Rose says. “We have to get it out of there.”

“That seems like a police job,” you say. “Or something for the technicians.”

“Technicians don’t plan on space whales.” She roots around the table, then snatches a tablet and tosses it in a pile, scribbling something in a notebook. “The police won’t know how to deal with it. I, on the other hand, have experience in dubious zoology.”

“So what are you going to do?” You pick up a tablet and give it a brief scan. “You don’t have a spacesuit.”

“I’m going to summon a creature of the night to pull it off,” Rose says, and you nearly give yourself whiplash turning back to her.

“That’s a terrible idea,” you say. “It’s just going to make the whale thrash around even more and we’ll be worse off than before.”

“The one I choose will restrain it,” she says, still scribbling. “Anything else would be counterproductive.”

“But you have to keep it in this realm long enough,” you point out. “And it can only take so much damage before it returns. I don’t think you’ve thought this through very well.”

“No,” Rose says testily, “I haven’t. That is the disadvantage of having a surprise whale upon your doorstep.”

You blink. “I’m sorry.”

Rose looks up at you, and her face softens. “No, I am.” She picks up a tablet, glances at it, and tosses it aside. “I didn’t mean to snap at you.”

“It’s not a bad plan,” you say. “I just think we need something more. If we could leave the station—” You freeze. “Rose, the airlocks.”

“The airlocks?”

“We break them,” you explain. “Once the district is empty, we break the air scrubbers and let the airlock joints collapse. You summon the creature to keep the whale busy, and then when we break the station off, you release it.”

“The district will separate,” Rose finish, “And the whale can drag it off wherever without harming the rest of the station. I think it might work.” She picks up another tablet. “Except you don’t have explosives to break them with.”

“I’m a botanist,” you say proudly. “I don’t need explosives.”

“What?” Rose looks ready to demand an explanation, but you’re already sprinting out the door.

“Summon the creature!” you call back. “I’ll go break the locks.”

You make your way to the gardens in record time, snatching up a few key seeds and parts before turning for the airlocks. People thicken as you run towards the fleeing citizens, but you successfully manage to avoid crashing into anyone as you reach the first exit. You hastily assemble a seed capsule, place a seed inside, and synchronize it to your phone. A citizen jostles you as you exit, but you place the capsule inside the airlock and evacuate. You’re panting — you’ve been doing a lot of running today — but you manage to keep up a good pace as you reach the next two airlocks, repeating the process of assembly. You can see Rose’s creature trying to hold onto the whale, grasping with millions of tentacles as the whale bucks and tosses. It’s beginning to flicker.

You exit the last airlock, and approach a nearby police officer. “Ma’am, you weren’t supposed to go in there,” he starts, but you silence him with a wave of your hand.

“Is everyone out?” you ask, and he nods. “Good,” you say, and tap your phone.

Apple seeds, given water and minerals and subjected to odd radiations and genetic modifications, explode out of capsules in each airlock. Rapidly consuming the available air, they try to grow roots into metal and branches upward, shredding the steel in their search for sunlight and soil. The station shudders, once, then twice, then three times, and with a sickening wrench, jerks away from the residential district, torn off and jetting away from the Spot.

On the screen, the creature and whale tear away, and the former flickers away as the latter dives back into the storm.

A cheer goes up around you, and you grin in exhilaration. Your phone buzzes.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] \--

TT: !  
GA: Shout Pole To You Too  
GA: We Did It  
TT: So we did.  
TT: I figured out what you were going to do.  
TT: It was the apple seeds, right?  
GA: Yes  
GA: I Wasnt Sure Theyd Be Able To Break Through But The Steel Was Already Weak From Heat And Stress  
GA: So It All Worked Out  
TT: Now all there is to do is find housing for everybody who just lost a home.  
GA: I Think Ill Leave That One To The Police  
GA: Wait Your Apartment Was In There Right  
TT: Yeah.  
TT: Thankfully I don’t keep anything irreplaceable.  
TT: Still, I suppose I’ll have to start house-hunting soon.  
GA: Well  
GA: I Have A House  
GA: Technically Its An Apartment  
TT: Are you asking me to move in with you?  
GA: Im Heavily Implying You Should  
GA: Would You Like To  
TT: Absolutely.  
TT: I would love to move in with you.  
GA: I Feel Like Its My Turn To Shout Pole  
TT: Far be it from me to stop you.  
GA: !

 

**Author's Note:**

> i was stuck for the longest time on this thing, and ended up finishing embarrassingly close to the deadline, but it was fun anyway! much thanks to beta as always.


End file.
